At some point during my screening of Madame Web, I started looking for the fastest exit. I got a spider bite in Kerala, India, that turned into a mottled, purple-red blister and eventually sent me to the emergency room. That was better than this. What’s scary is that Madame Web herself might have picked me up in the ambulance. Then I’d have been stuck reliving the plot points the way she does—hoping for a better outcome.
In Madame Web, Cassie (Dakota Johnson) is a New York paramedic who gets a clairvoyance reboot after a near-death experience. Seemingly against her will, she finds herself fighting a mysterious Spider-villain, Ezekiel (Tahar Rahim), to protect three teen girls while dealing with her unresolved past.
I’m not sure where to start. Let’s go with the good. The cast is genuine, and they play their parts with faith in the material. No matter how much the dialogue crumbled in their mouths like a leftover box of Fruit Loops from the 90s, they kept going. That must be applauded. I’m hoping to see our trio of future Spider-Women—Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O’Connor—in more. There’s a spark here for each of them. This movie just couldn’t supply ignition. Instead, the script makes their personalities so similar they become basic traits: the shy one, the rich one, the smart one. When you factor in—like most Spider-Verse characters—the four leads are connected by being orphaned figuratively or truly; the girls come off as “insert teen stereotype here.” [deep breath] Okay, since Usher says if you’re gonna tell then you have to tell it all, I’ll add that the writers don’t seem to recognize the emotional intelligence of teen girls. It’s a missed opportunity.
Maybe that’s why the movie is so thin. It’s missing the layers that make superhero stories compelling. There’s no symbolism, no parallels, no B-plot (other than a tie-in to Peter Parker). Nothing is hidden; everything is surface. That’s why after an hour full of false starts, you can’t believe you still have an hour left. When I tell you there is no reason for this movie to be 120 mins, it is perjury proof. When I tell you the story should have started on the train, you’ll know it when you see it. The filmmakers stretch their story out until it’s a stringy cheese pull without the satisfaction of the pizza slice.
It’s a shame because there’s a “war zone” scene near the end that works. Something there clicks because, during all the madness and explosions, the characters realize their powers have a purpose, they only need to learn to use those gifts to their advantage. But the person who teaches them that is the villain.
Ezekiel, our barefoot baddie, strolls through scenes with the vaguely human styling of an A.I. creation. You may want to check his hands. The voice, the movements, it’s so disconnected. And he’s meant to be a poisonous spider, but his true power is being illogical. Master Oogway from Kung-Fu Panda taught us: The path you take to avert your destiny will lead you to it. How did Ezekiel, who has visions of the future, miss that? He ends up being the best teacher our heroines could ask for, showing them how to use their powers more effectively than any mentor figure (including Cassie). It’s like watching a supervillain self-destruct seminar.
By the way, I should mention the villain is introduced with a red flag in the form of a red umbrella. So, maybe there is some symbolism. Can you hear how loud I’m blinking right now? To make it even messier, there’s a moment when a Black character is sacrificed to send Cassie on her hero’s journey. Yup. Let’s leave that there.
Madame Web is mostly but not completely a waste of time, but it runs out the clock without scoring. There’s just not enough here to sustain our interest or a franchise.
